i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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