You're my little dorito
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
