I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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