4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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