His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Randomize
