shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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