You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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