nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
