Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
why do cheetos always look like penises
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
My dad just said "fuck circus"
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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