im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
