A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
