You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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