Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize