My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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