never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
