I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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