New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
