I would go down on you faster than GM stock
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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