Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
