can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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