im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
i came on her dog
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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