sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
It's official drugs can't kill me
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
