oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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