My liver just broke up with me...
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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