I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
