I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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