I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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