Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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