Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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