Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
