she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
