Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
