the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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