Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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