i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
