I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize