And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
