Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
