You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
