6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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