he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize