I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
