I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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