i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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