....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
