Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
