dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
