Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
