the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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