Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
