How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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