I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
only if we run a train.
done.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
