I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
