It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
