I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
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