Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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