You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
