I just saw a hot homeless man
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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