and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
