I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You were trust falling into bushes
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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