I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
